day five.
“I want the real America experience. We're going to that shrimp farm.” – Peter Blair (2011)
We left that morning for Phoenix, Arizona.
Before leaving New Zealand, we'd put out a call for accommodation – any friends of friends of friends who might put us up for a night or two.
We wanted to get away from the tourist tracks – meet real American people and do real American things.
It was a six hour drive to Phoenix. At one point, we passed a large sign advertising a nearby shrimp farm.
"What the hell's a shrimp farm?" somebody immediately regretted asking.
Jako slammed on the brakes and spun the wheel. Pete started laughing.
I looked up. "Wait – we're not actually – we're not actually going to a shrimp farm, are we?"
Pete grinned. "We're going to the real America."
We then proceeded to spend the next half hour searching up and down back roads for the elusive shrimp farm.
Coming up to the 30 minute mark, we arrived at a ramshackle cabin with a worn out sign in front. World's Best Tasting Shrimp.
It was closed.
Three different families ultimately offered to house us over the two nights we were in Phoenix.
Jako and Josh stayed with a gourmet chef. Derek and Herman stayed with a comely church family.
And Pete and I stayed with a "real American" couple.
We left that morning for Phoenix, Arizona.
Before leaving New Zealand, we'd put out a call for accommodation – any friends of friends of friends who might put us up for a night or two.
We wanted to get away from the tourist tracks – meet real American people and do real American things.
It was a six hour drive to Phoenix. At one point, we passed a large sign advertising a nearby shrimp farm.
"What the hell's a shrimp farm?" somebody immediately regretted asking.
Jako slammed on the brakes and spun the wheel. Pete started laughing.
I looked up. "Wait – we're not actually – we're not actually going to a shrimp farm, are we?"
Pete grinned. "We're going to the real America."
We then proceeded to spend the next half hour searching up and down back roads for the elusive shrimp farm.
Coming up to the 30 minute mark, we arrived at a ramshackle cabin with a worn out sign in front. World's Best Tasting Shrimp.
It was closed.
Three different families ultimately offered to house us over the two nights we were in Phoenix.
Jako and Josh stayed with a gourmet chef. Derek and Herman stayed with a comely church family.
And Pete and I stayed with a "real American" couple.
Here are just a few of the inspired statements I had the privilege of hearing during my brief stay:
On homosexuality: Oh, we’re lucky in Arizona. We don’t have such a gay problem here. Not like in New York. It’s a horrible thing, isn’t it? The way they flaunt their lifestyle. No one else flaunts their sin. I mean, if you’re having an affair, you don’t wear a sign saying, “I’ve slept with 12 different women.” But that’s what the gays do. They’re like, “I’m gay and you should try it too.” It’s a horrible thing.
On homosexuality in the church: And the worst is those Christians who think it's okay to be gay. And they say things like, “Oh, but King David was gay. Jesus was gay.” It’s very sad.
On politics: I don’t follow politics very closely. They’re all almost as bad as one another. Obama, though, he's just ignoring the constitution. You know the only reason he got in? Young people. Ignorant young people who just want handouts. That’s why he got in.
On the Tea Party movement: Their biggest problem? They’re just not popular enough.
On Mormons: There’s a joke we say around here. We say, the Mormons might not be going to heaven, but they sure make good neighbours. <laugh> Oh, that’s horrible, isn’t it? I shouldn’t say that.
On gun control: Everyone should be allowed to own a gun. But if you’re going to own a gun, you have to be able to kill someone. Because criminals can tell. They can tell whether you’re going to shoot or not.
On Islam: They're infiltrating, you know? People say, "Oh, Islam’s not all bad." But it is. The Qur’an tells them to kill Christians. That’s what it says. The good Muslims, the ones who follow the Qur’an, they want to kill us. That’s why they come here. They did 911 and now they’ve got their mosque. They want to kill us.
On homosexuality: Oh, we’re lucky in Arizona. We don’t have such a gay problem here. Not like in New York. It’s a horrible thing, isn’t it? The way they flaunt their lifestyle. No one else flaunts their sin. I mean, if you’re having an affair, you don’t wear a sign saying, “I’ve slept with 12 different women.” But that’s what the gays do. They’re like, “I’m gay and you should try it too.” It’s a horrible thing.
On homosexuality in the church: And the worst is those Christians who think it's okay to be gay. And they say things like, “Oh, but King David was gay. Jesus was gay.” It’s very sad.
On politics: I don’t follow politics very closely. They’re all almost as bad as one another. Obama, though, he's just ignoring the constitution. You know the only reason he got in? Young people. Ignorant young people who just want handouts. That’s why he got in.
On the Tea Party movement: Their biggest problem? They’re just not popular enough.
On Mormons: There’s a joke we say around here. We say, the Mormons might not be going to heaven, but they sure make good neighbours. <laugh> Oh, that’s horrible, isn’t it? I shouldn’t say that.
On gun control: Everyone should be allowed to own a gun. But if you’re going to own a gun, you have to be able to kill someone. Because criminals can tell. They can tell whether you’re going to shoot or not.
On Islam: They're infiltrating, you know? People say, "Oh, Islam’s not all bad." But it is. The Qur’an tells them to kill Christians. That’s what it says. The good Muslims, the ones who follow the Qur’an, they want to kill us. That’s why they come here. They did 911 and now they’ve got their mosque. They want to kill us.
I later wrote a beat poem loosely based on that encounter. In my defence, I was feeling particularly pretentious at the time.
The Cowardly Poet - an encounter with an Islamophobe